There are moments that my head feels very chaotic. Even though, I write down a lot, it doesn’t always prevent me from chaos inside my head. At this moment, I feel that way again. Now I have notice when I feel that way that my thoughts are getting cloudier, somewhat darker. Depression is lurking around the corner to attack. I picture it; it looks around the corner with horns on it head and an evil grin. It is kind of weird, I pictured it right now as some kind of devil. While writing the last sentence I pictured it as devil with a cowboy hat and a lasso. Eager to catch me.
Having few very badly nights in a row isn’t helping. That makes depression even more happier, it grin is growing.
Then I find it sometimes hard to snap out of that chaos, get out of those cloudy thoughts. And I have to snap out of it because if I don’t do it, then I know depression will get stronger. Again, depression will be happy with me, there is that grin again. I told myself, I never want to go back to the situation I was in 2004, never! I know I can’t control everything but if I can do something about it, then I will. Depression is not happy with that, it grin starts to fade.
But moments like right now, I feel like I forgetting half of what I want to do. I am feeling kind of lost and have difficulty to get a grip on my system/schedule. That makes me restless. If I have that feeling then very often, sadly, snack is the only way that makes me be able sit down and take some time to distract my mind. Because I am even to restless to read for couple hours or watch tv. Even watching tv can make me more restless. Depression is happy about that. Can you see it grin is growing again. I try to change slowly that habit into healthy one, drawing.
Now it is chaotic because I go on holiday. Then I realise I want/must to do this, or that… even though I wrote it all down when and what I want to do, still it is messed up.
I look forward to my holiday. Is a place where is very quiet and peaceful. I don’t even have internet there, how great is that! My introverted side always enjoy being there. The only people I have to be social too are my parents. And they don’t always talk, what is very nice. Depressions grin is fading again.
Anyway, counting down the days. My biggest concern is, do I have enough books with me. Probably as usual, I have way too many with me, but at least I know for sure I have enough. By the way, I will celebrate my birthday there.