This morning I suddenly thought why I hesitate to take actions on going to museums or take my car and go somewhere to hike. Reason is very simple, I feel guilty toward re-integration organisation. I requested over an year ago to a government department that have to help get people to work that I need help to get a job. Because of my background is very hard to find a job. I have to compete with healthy and young people. Also compete with people that is on special list. The list is about people that have certain social welfare payment from the government. I am also on that list but I have a different social welfare payment. The government told the companies to hire people from that list that has such and such social welfare status. It feels unfair, because I didn’t ask to be chronic sick. I didn’t ask for that my last company I worked for to have re-organisation.
The reason I feel guilty is that I have to spend time behind my laptop and searching for a job and not go out for a walk or go to a museum. The problem is, the most jobs isn’t right for me. They very often look for someone who also can answer the phone. That is kind of hard, because of my hearing problem. I don’t think is a very good pr for the company when I keep asking over and over again, sorry can you repeat that for me? Will you spell it for me? Did you say B or D?
Looking around doesn’t make me feel very happy, I get sad sometimes if I go down the list of what the company wants from you. Then I feel useless and sometimes thinking, who wants to hire me? Even though I am only 41, sadly in this time I am even too old for some companies. They want young people with loads of experiences, sadly but true. But the economy is starting to look good, more company wants to hire people again. Who knows… maybe I get a job.
When the re-integration is over in November then I have to do it on my own again. I feel freer and can go to museums or hike without any feeling of guilt. Anyway, maybe someday there will be the right job for me. In the meantime, I have a backup plan, and who knows that will work out fine.