When people ask me how I am doing, sometimes I just pretend and say, I am doing fine. Just put on a mask and pretend because sometimes I just don’t want to think about how I really feel that day. Sometimes I just don’t want make the negative feelings bigger then it is. I choose not to make it bigger. It is there, I accept that as a fact but I will not make it bigger.
I just now realise, while writing this, why I pretend sometimes. Simply, not to make
negative feelings bigger, that the negativity control my thoughts and me. Funny, writing this suddenly makes me aware of why I do it. I think I never will stop pretending to some people because I know they just ask only because they have to ask or I just know they do ask because they do have their best intention but don’t really processing what I am telling.
Luckily, I have a small group of people around me to who I can say honestly how I am doing. I have notice that I pretend less and less with them. Last year was for the first time I honestly told a few people that I am struggling with depression. I do realise I am fortunate not have a very heavy depression. By telling them honestly about it made it whole lot easier to say how I really doing today.
It feels good that I don’t have to pretend with some people. I do choose however not to talk about it all the time, as I said before I just don’t want to make it bigger then it is. It is only just a small part of me. It does not define who I am. I am more then all that physical and mental problem. It did shape me to who I am today, but I just don’t let it control my life.