Only 16 days to go then my reintegration back to work will be over. Even with help I haven’t been able to find work. I am too old, or not qualified enough or even better, overqualified or just because I have some physical problems. Of course none of the companies will admit that.
Do I regret it that I still have no job, yes of course. But if I am being honest, I feel better not working for someone else. I finally feel physically better, more in balance. Mentally… well, I will always have problems with my sombre moods. Depression will always be a part of me but that is okay because I can deal with it. It is not as bad as it have been. And right now I am working on to have less sombre feelings. As long as those feelings stay feelings and not becoming thoughts, I am fine.
I notice yesterday when I was applying for a job that I immediately stress out. Maybe I stress out because I started to spend more time in realising my dream. At the same time, I noticed I am also kind of scared to take those steps to realising it. But I do know on the long run it will be better for my health to start my own business. I do however; feel sometimes so overwhelmed by all the actions I still have to take and some actions takes a lot of time. And what if I fail… I know… I shouldn’t it think like that and believe in myself!
Anyway, will I get that job, I don’t know. Do I want that job, yes. However, it depends on which location I have to work. The Hague library has few locations in the city and I have to travel to some locations for over an hour. And physically I can’t travel that long, especially not after work. I am also not sure that they are okay that I can work only 4-5 hours a day. Because they are looking for someone that is be able to work two whole days. Financially would be nice if I have a job again.
If I start my own business, I am realistic enough that I will not be able to make lot of money. I just manage right now, next year I have to be more careful with what I spend. I won’t go the gym next year. I simply have to be honest, I can’t afford that. And with that money I can start save a bit.
Anyway, I have learned from the past not to make work number one again. Twice I had to pay the price for it. No more! My health is number 1 and the way it goes right now, I am doing okay and have more balance.
I just have to believe in myself and continue with what I want to do. And stop stressing out, well, I will try!