What I thought of myself

I read a book of Haruki Murakami, ‘Colorless Tsukuru Tazaki and His Years of Pilgrimage’. I really enjoyed reading this book. After I finish it, I started to think, that was how I thought of myself. Boring, colorless person, especially when I compared myself with my kleurlozetsukurusister. She was outgoing, had more friends and knew what she wanted. I on the other hand was quiet, back then had only two friends and not sure, what I wanted.

Back then, I didn’t knew I was an introvert. I just wished I was more like my sister. Many people knew my sister. If I was going somewhere, where I knew there will be hard of hearing and deaf people I very often don’t have to introduce myself. They knew I was her younger sister; simply we were look alike even though we are four years apart. Many people knew her and sometimes I was jealous and wish I was more like her. At the same time I was happy I didn’t had many friends. I was also the first one of my friends that started to work at 19. So, I didn’t had the time or the energy to go out. I needed to recharge after working a week in the flower shop. Then I worked in UK and gained another great friend. I liked it in UK, didn’t had a huge social live, not much honestly. I was happy, I liked the way it was, and my life was less stressful.

When I came back after a year, hello stress and again I started to compare myself with my sister. Why am I boring, colorless? Why can’t I be more like her? I also started to struggle with my hearing problems. Not with being hard of hearing but more, where do I belong? My parents are hearing and my sister is deaf. I am somewhere in the middle, so where do I belong? There has always been a clear world, hearing and deaf. But me… I felt I didn’t belong in either. I still don’t belong in either.

Through the years, I have learned a lot. My road hasn’t been easy and for sure totally different then my sisters. But I am me and the last couple years I started to accept as who I am and I do have great and divers friends. I am grateful for them and I am not boring and colorless. Being quiet can be an outstanding strength and when I am feeling comfortable with that person then they see whole lot more of me, I like being sarcastic, making jokes, make fun of myself but I also love good conversations, deep conversations. With some of my friends, I can switch easily from light-hearted subject to very serious subject.

It took a while but I stopped comparing myself with sister for a few years, I am me and she is who she is. I work hard on stop criticizing myself and I don’t need to fit in both world.

Ps: I loved his book!

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