Few years ago, I decided with approval of my family doctor to go to rehabilitation to get physical and mentally stronger. I had few interviews with different people and had to do some tests.
I was surprised that psychologist already knew after 10 minutes talk that I might be a perfectionist. I was like, nuh, impossible! He gave me a small test and gosh… I scored perfectionist. Really? Me, a perfectionist? Seriously?
To be honest I never ever have consider myself a perfectionist. My image of perfectionist was someone who always looks good, have a very, very spotless house and do everything perfect. How wrong was I! I am a perfectionist in a different way. I was very much a perfectionist at work, at home I am not.
When I used to work my house wasn’t always tidy, only when I had guests. Then I went through my house like a hurricane or my mom came over to help me. Especially in the times when I was dealing with lot of physical pain, my mom always came over to help. But it was not tidy, it was not organised. Now I don’t have a job, I have the time and energy to keep it tidy and because I have the time my house is organised, maybe a little too organised. However, I do also make sure that my house looks alive with small personal things.
I wondered why I have become a perfectionist. Partly is my character and that is okay as long as perfectionist isn’t controlling my live. But why do I want to have things perfect? Being a perfectionist had to do with control. During my talks with the psychologist back then I realised I became a bit more perfectionist/controlling because I simply couldn’t control my physic situation. Since I was 27 I have been dealing with different kinds of physical setbacks, like dealing with fibromyalgia. The thing was before I went to rehabilitation I had two operations in 2010 and one in 2012 and then in 2013 nerves block treatment for my lower back. The problem is, it was never the same problem; it was hip, knee, wrist and then lower back.
It didn’t end and all that time I kept working with lots of pain. Only because of painkillers I manage to get through my days. The pain, my body was controlling me! And if I can’t control that, I think I unconsciously wanted to control anything else, especially at work. Only just to prove that despise my physical problem I work hard and good. I was good at what I was doing. I could control that!
Realising that I became aware that I have to find some peace with the fact that my body isn’t matching great with my young age, yes I consider 41 young. But I have learned with physical training where my limits are and what I can do to keep the muscles strong.
I came from far but I am proud of where I am today!