I’m not doing great for the moment. Depression is a bit more present the last couple days. Maybe it is time of the month again. I for sure haven’t been eating healthy the last 6 weeks or so. I ate many refined sugars and now I feel the effect of it. I do feel it because I know how I felt when I cut out refined sugars. Yet I find it hard to step out that circle. It is a circle where I feel trap in it.
Also I feel I have accomplish nothing in my life. I feel that at this moment. My best friend got a new job and I’m really happy for her because she is not a stay home mom type. Her new work location is not that far from home. I’ve already offered if she needs helps with her kids that she can always ask me. Especially, with summer holiday on the way. And I have no plans, just few days hang out with my friends. When she called me last night, I was very happy for her, at the same time I became sad for myself. Why don’t I have a job? To be honest… I have mixed feelings about that. On one hand I would love to have a job again because then I feel I am still worth it and well, to be honest, isn’t that what the society wants from me, that I work, participate according to the societies rules. On the other hand, when I work I forget to take care of myself. With my last job, I even have worked with hernia for few months. Never called in sick when I had lots of pain or feeling really bad (didn’t realise it was depression again). I already had sleeping disorder but I didn’t knew it at that time. I always blamed on other things instead of finding out why I wake up every morning tired, and feeling so sombre inside of me.
Since the reorganisation at my old work (me and other few were laid off) I have tried to find a job, I even asked for help of special agency that is paid by the government. Even with that help I didn’t got a job. Then I wonder, how will I find one now if I didn’t get one with the help of agency. In March I have register at employment agency. However they told me that they don’t have a lot of job offers in administration section. I might transfer to other employment agency after holiday that do have that. I hesitated about doing this. And still I am not sure or this is the right thing to do. Am I not making it worst for myself? Will I still be able when I get a job clean my house? Will I still be able to walk every day? Will I not go through a emotional rollercoaster again? Why would I want to work?
The reason why I want go to work is because of the money to be honest. It would be nice if I don’t have to think over and over and over on how I have to spend the money. Will I want to work because of some society “rule”, maybe. I rather say no, because I am me and not them. Yet, I do feel some kind of pressure. Especially when the government isn’t making it easier and makes me feel bad for not having a job or got a job, at the same time the government isn’t making it easier for me either to get a job. The companies isn’t making it easy either for me.
I rather just stay home and focus on drawing. Maybe make bit money now and then with drawing. I did draw for my dad’s company a Christmas card and for my friend’s daughter birth card. I want to make money with drawing, have my own business but honestly, I don’t know where to start and I feel very quickly overwhelmed by it.
I’m glad I go on holiday day after tomorrow, have a break from everything. Coming back refresh, go back to my planning/structure (there haven’t been any lately, I always think when things goes right I can do without it, wrong!), go back to daily drawing, back to eating healthy.
I broke my own rule by writing a very long post. I always try to use around 500 words. I guess I just needed to write this.
I want to thank you for following my blog and my dear crazy American friend for saying, do it! And for those who took time to write something in comments, thank you! Want to share this to all of you that struggling with depression… You are worth, so am I!
I’ll be back somewhere half June.