At this moment, I am struggling with depression. However, I rather don’t see it as a struggle. But I am being controlled at this moment by it. Like, the sun is shining but it doesn’t bring me joy. I rather crawl on the couch with a book than go out for a good nice walk.
I get more often emotional and feel tired. Yesterday I was texting with a good friend of mine. And he helped me to make the next step, talk with the doctor and maybe get some anti depressive medication. He used it for few years and it really helped him. The way he described depression, was like, you are describing me. The medicine helped him a lot. I have always managed to do it without it. But lately the periods of depressions are more often and there is no reason to be depressed. But sadly, in my case, I inherited. It could have skipped me like it skipped my sister but it didn’t .
I do have an appointment with a psychologist in less than three weeks but I don’t want to wait that long. I don’t want to feel this any longer. I don’t even look forward to my birthday this weekend. But I do know I will enjoy at that moment but the feeling won’t last. As soon as they will be gone, I forget how much I enjoyed it. Is like, the dark cloud can’t wait to strike immediately.
I want to draw again but have no inspiration and don’t feel the desire to finish off three others drawing. I just don’t know what I want to draw at this moment. At this moment is mostly kind of get through the day and hoping that tomorrow will be a better one. However I do make sure I force myself to clean the house, but somehow I find it harder to force myself to cook even though I love to cook. I just read a lot at this moment and I rather read a book I already know than something new. But thanks to Goodreads challenge, I have to read the new ones too because I want to finish the challenge. Only 10 books to go! I try to stay off the tablet and the phone because with the way I feel I use both too much and that makes me even more tired. Reading a book is less tiring but asks a lot of concentration that is why I rather read books I already know or I know it will be an easy reading.
I did, however, force myself to apply for a voluntarily work at the library. I don’t expect I will ever find a job but I know I need to get out and do something. Because I just don’t want to go back to deep depression so I force myself to step outside the comfort zone despite the fact whether I will enjoy it or not.
I wish you all a lovely weekend!