Last Tuesday I started with de medicine. The result of the blood test was good. I have mixed feeling about it. On one hand, I am glad I get some chemical help to get me out of the downwards spiral and at the same time, I feel like I failed. That I’m not strong enough to get out of it on my own.
I know I shouldn’t feel that way and yet I do. It was a big step for me to ask the doctor that I might need antidepressants. After a good talk, she wanted first to get my blood tested on thyroid. If the blood test was good then I would start with the medicine.
I have to take it at least for 6 months and after that, we will see or I can stop with slowly or not. Time will tell. At this moment, I do have some side effects of the medicine. They told me that I wasn’t allowed to drive in the first week, so I cancelled a movie night. I wanted to go tonight with my friend to ‘It’ but we go next week. And I had to go to the hospital, but luckily the hospital is nearby the train station so I went by train. I just have to go through this and it should be way less after week or 2 and it will take 4-6 weeks before I will notice that it works. For now, I have to see the doctor on regular base. To make sure this medicine is the right one for me.
Last Wednesday I wrote about depression on my Dutch blog. It was hard for me to write about it and post it on Facebook. It is easier for me to write on this one because only very few close friends know about this blog and there for I feel free in my writing. And I just don’t want that people will treat me differently or feel sorry for me. I texted a friend and told her that I had my doubts about posting on my Dutch blog. She said, just look at it how you would feel about it on Wednesday. But it will be good to write about, to make more people aware of it. She was right. There is no reason to be ashamed about and it has become a part of me.
I was proud that I did it anyway but it was hard to stick to no more 500 words. I just couldn’t and decided to make a long read.
Now, only time will tell how it goes.